i knew it would happen.
that even though dr khoo assured me that it's still alright, my parents won't see the light. and that the 29/30 essay wouldn't matter to them.
im not trying to imply tt those 2 subs don't matter. i just tryin to balance things here by showin tt im not a complete idiot. oh boy now look who's being the idiot lor.
they think that because i put on my normal casual look, i dun give a shit abt wad happened. look u think im like some mediacorp star, must sulk and cry and point the knife at my chest then ur sure that i understand the seriousness is it? ppl who've been with me these few days after i got back the results will know that i had had suicide thoughts on and off. they just dun see the damage done to myself inside.
oh. dun concentrate so much on cca. studies more important. ok lor. when i really get those 4As and i lose out to someone who has taken part in competitions, been a leader at some point, u dun come and blame me lor.
who cares? im not listening to u on that point.
yes, self-reflect. i've been tryin to do tt for 5 days now. i try to explain myself which i still can't, coz i still dun understand why it happened, u say stupid excuse. then what do u want to hear from me?
talkin about death. lately i've been having strange dreams. either i get shot or chopped or fall down a building, or i learn of ur death on the phone ( not u wei han ) or see u in the obituaries. it's really scary. yeah, it's a dream u might say, but my dreams about certain things have proven to be true or nearly accurate.
i can't lose u, u know that. but im already losing myself. as the keys get punched in, i wonder whether it is the same benjamin doing so, or is it someone else.
born on the 13th. this has made me real unlucky in many many incidents. i think im a joke of god. or satan. or both. maybe god wants a smart person but satan wants him to be created on the 13th. then they will record their observations during the long experiment.
i feel like being under a microscope for nearly 16 fuckin years. i look into the mirror, i feel that someone is standing behind me, grinning. i walk on the street, i feel as though there's something hovering above my head, making sure i dun stray off path. making sure that i will meet the unlucky event lurking ahead of me.
i guess im going crazy. it's better to end everything, wouldn't it. just press stop on the remote control, then eject disc. remember to switch off the power.
cherry garcia..
9:34 PM
